MATTHEW'S DIARY

(Saturday Night ) 

Dear diary, You won't believe what happened yesterday. Sorry I couldn't give you the tea yesterday, we were all in shock that's why I couldn't give you the tea when it was hot. I hope I'm not sinning but let me also put in shock too

MY MASTER WAS CRUCIFIED TODAY.

Ee shock you too abi.

I have written that sentence several times now.

My Master was crucified today.

It still looks wrong on the page.

Jesus. Crucified.

The same Jesus I told you about who made Lazarus come out of a tomb. Did I give you the tea the day he looked at a storm and told it to calm down. The same Jesus who would disappear into the mountains to pray and return looking like he had been talking to God face-to-face.

And today, I watched him die.

I don't understand it.

Maybe I should start from the beginning.

We knew something was wrong when Judas came with those people.

Even before everything happened, I had been watching him. Something about him had changed. He was quieter. Moving around strangely. Always disappearing. Always having somewhere to go.

The other day he I smelled a Jewish perfume on him after his usual brief outing and I asked him about it and he was saying rubbish. I started suspecting him because I know how he defaults on his taxes because of late payment

But honestly, I didn't think he would do this.

Thirty pieces of silver.

Thirty.

I keep coming back to that number.

Three years.

Thirty pieces.

How does a man put a price on someone he has eaten with?

Someone whose miracles he has seen with his own eyes?

Someone who called him friend?

And the annoying part is that he'll still use like 10 pieces to pay tax leaving him with 20 pieces

And the worst part is that Jesus knew.

That's the part that is disturbing me.

He knew.

At the table, he knew.

When Judas walked up to him and kissed him, he knew.

And still he called him friend.

I don't know how that man did some of the things he did.

I also don't understand what we were doing there in the first place.

I thought there was a mission.

Wasn't there?

Jesus always spoke about the Kingdom of God. He told us he had been sent by the Father. He kept saying things about suffering, dying, rising again.

We heard him.

We just didn't understand him.

Maybe that's the embarrassing part.

He told us what was coming, and we were busy arguing about who would sit where when everything finally happened.

I remember thinking this was going somewhere big.

I thought one day people would look at us and say, "Those are the men who stood beside Jesus when everything changed."

But when the matter burst everyone went to hide including me.

Peter was hiding too.

Although Peter has already made his own situation worse.

Baba deny him mentor three times.

Three times that man was asked if he knew Jesus.

Three times he said no.

Peter!!!!!. No???? 

The same Peter who was shouting yesterday that he would die before abandoning him.

Today, everybody was somehow missing.

I don't even know where the others are now.

John was around earlier.

Mary was there.

I saw some of the women crying.

But the rest?

I don't know.

Maybe they are hiding in different corners of Jerusalem. 

I might have to go and look for them tomorrow.

Somebody needs to know what we are supposed to do now.

Because if this was the mission, then what exactly happens next?

Do we just go home?

Do we go back to fishing?

Do I return to collecting taxes as if none of this happened?

How do you explain Jesus to people after today?

"Yes, that was my master."

"Oh, the one they crucified?"

Yes.

That one.

I don't even know what tomorrow is supposed to look like.

And Judas...

If I see that man any day ehn. I honestly don't know what I will do but hands must touch him.

Actually, let me not lie in my own diary.

If Peter sees him first, Judas should just start running.

Because I don't know what kind of uppercut Peter is keeping for that man, but judging from everything that happened today, Peter might cut his two ears and Jesus won't be there to join it back seff.

Still, something is bothering me.

Jesus didn't look surprised.

Not once.

Even when they came for him.

Even when they beat him.

Even when they put that crown on his head.

He looked like a man who knew exactly where he was going.

Maybe that's why I can't sleep.

Everyone is saying it's finished.

But if Jesus really knew what was coming...

then maybe today wasn't the end.

Maybe we are the ones who still don't understand the assignment.

Let me just sleep because tomorrow will be a long day